twenty eighteen

                                                                         

being loved by no one is better than being
loved by the wrong one

- a bitter pill to swallow

                                                                         

I'll never get over what you've done to me

- f v c j

                                                                         

but how many times can he offer me a lifetime
to give but a day?

- false promises

                                                                         

there's not another name,
or another person.
not another heart,
or another laugh.
another smile,
or another's tears.
another's hand,
another's eyes,
another's soul.

there's not another

- twelve days since (13/11/18)

                                                                         

To the boy who filled me with false promises,

Do you remember it like I do? Sitting side by side, our bare feet buried in the sand, hands intertwined, my head laying softly on your shoulder, my eyes focused on the sun rising, your eyes focused on me. Time slipping away from around us. Your soft hands raising me up, spinning me around. Laughing. Always laughing. Pretending to throw me into the warm, salty water. Giggling uncontrollably when I screamed. Running to you. Sand, ocean, beaches whirling by. My legs  around your waist. Safe. Your hands on my cheek. Running through my hair. Your lips touching mines. Simple. Soft. Sweet. Summer.

It was always like that with you. Nothing but smiles. Meeting at 3am, returning seven hours later. Searching for constellations together, then staying until the sky was golden. We were wanderers together. Searching the world to find meaning. Exploring each other to find purpose.

I remember your eyes so well. They were incredible. Like the night skies we watched together. Little stars within them. The colour changing the longer you looked. First blue, then green, purple, brown, navy, black. A spectacle. The way those eyes looked in mine. The way your hands felt around my waist, as you held me- little did I know how easy it was for those hands of yours to slip.

You sat me down, looked me in the eyes and told me everything. You told me about your past. About the first girl who broke your heart. You told me how you fell apart after that and nothing felt the same again for a while. How you treated other girls and how you knew it wasn’t right. How you broke a few hearts along the way and never apologised. You told me that you’ve hurt and been hurt before but you told me that I’m different.

There was something special between us. You had never felt like this before. You hadn’t laughed this much, or smiled this much or been this happy with someone in well, ever. You knew how my heart was fragile, how I had been treated before. You knew the bad and the good. And you looked at me with those beautiful eyes and told me you’d never hurt me like the other ones had.

I guess you weren’t lying- you hurt me more.

Because you made me a promise. You knew what I had been through. You knew and you done it anyway. You made me feel so wanted. You made me feel like after everything, maybe I did have a purpose. Maybe I wasn’t a waste of space and that maybe there was something deep, deep within me that was loveable. Something that you understood.

And then one day I never heard from you again. Left clueless, wondering where I had went wrong. Just like the one who ripped my heart out, you disappeared from my life. Leaving me with nothing but confusion, hurt and still without an answer;

what is wrong with me?

- the beach at 3am 

                                                                         

to the boy who ripped my heart out,

I had been through so much shit already. I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ve not ate for weeks, and drank nothing but alcohol for months. I’ve not slept at night and replayed abusive conversations over and over in my head. But none of that comes close to what you did to me. Because with the one who came before you I always knew something wasn’t right with him. I knew he wasn’t the one, and I knew my friends and family hated him, and I knew that nothing was ever going to work out. And I knew he didn’t love me. I mean seriously I knew. And after him I fell off the rails-fell apart maybe. I don’t know.

Months flew by in a blur. Guy after guy after guy. But somewhere along the line I picked up a little bit of self worth- dusted myself off and felt like the woman I’ve always wanted to be.

And I remember getting ready for that night, thinking to myself tonight will be the first I don’t feel the need to base my worth on a guy- the first night I honestly felt like the blur was finally coming to an end.

But then you came along.
I could sit here and describe you for years because truth is you probably were- and might always be- the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on. And you came and swept me off of my feet. For months, you made me feel like the only person in the world. You were the kindest, most incredible person I have ever been with. You’re the type of man I’d love to bring home to my family; polite, handsome, funny, intelligent, friendly and most of all- you weren’t like anyone else. You weren’t like all of the guys who came before you- especially not that one. You honestly had me falling for you from the first moment we spoke- I wasn’t faking feelings for once I genuinely have never felt like that about anyone in my life.

It was a butterfly, heart racing, story book kind of romance, and because of you I finally had faith again. Faith that I actually could be one of those girls that’s lucky enough to find someone like you, to settle down, to finally be my best self, with someone like you by my side.

And then one day you just left.
You never messaged me again. Pretended I didn’t exist when you seen me. Left me wondering where I’d went wrong, no explanation, nothing.

You fucking broke me. 
You really did.

But even now, when I lie awake at night thinking of it- I blame myself. I make excuses for you, because in my eyes you can do no wrong, and if you ever came back to me I’d take you in with open arms.

fuck you.

- one step forwards, two steps back